


Space

by BlossomingBilbo



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Avoidance, Healthy Relationships, I'm venting a lot with this, M/M, They're very understanding and in love sometimes things are just hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-01 09:24:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10186172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlossomingBilbo/pseuds/BlossomingBilbo
Summary: Hanzo loves him. Hanzo trusts him. Sometimes he just doesn't have the words or the ability to say what he needs. Sometimes that means taking a step back. Sometimes it means giving himself space.This is very heavily a vent fic. I had a moment with my significant other recently and I felt like I needed to really visualize what had happened, process it, and understand my own coping methods. Thanks so much everyone.





	

It didn’t take a man as perceptive as Hanzo to realize that even a man like McCree could be riddled with insecurities. Broad smiles, booming voice, friendly demeanor, those things signaled a good man who also had a closet full of problems he was compensating for. Hanzo had realized this going into their partnership and did not blame him. He would have been a hypocrite to blame someone for their ghosts and shadows when he had so many himself. 

Although the understanding of your partner’s insecurities and shortcomings did offer the opportunity to further a connection in your relationship, it didn’t come without complications. Yes, McCree could sometimes worry himself about things that he shouldn’t, that others would deem unimportant. In a life of looking over your shoulder how could one not become paranoid? In a life where you lost people you love how could you not worry about losing your partner? 

Hanzo understood when Jesse would come to him, professing he was having relationship anxiety. Not because he doubted what they had, but because in their lives there was so many chances to lose each other, because he was worried about making mistakes like he had in his past. McCree had no intentions to leave, Hanzo knew, he just had to rehash his feelings and reassure Hanzo. Even if Hanzo felt steady and trusting in their bond, he’d reassure his lover constantly if he had to, Jesse was worth it.

“ - an I really hate to bring it up again, Darlin’, the thoughts just got all up in my mind again and I wasn’ able to get ‘em out. I know how you feel about everything, us… I ain’t givin’ up on us I just got myself worryin’… ” McCree was finishing his thought as they sat cross-legged on the bed, Hanzo’s hands cradled in Jesse’s. 

“ Yes, I do know how you feel. All is well. We are both okay.” Hanzo takes a slow breath and smiles, pleased that Jesse has overcome his doubts and challenges once again. He’s hoping they can push this behind them and perhaps enjoy more of each other's company before they’re forced to turn in for the evening. While he does not mind reassuring Jesse in the least he can think of more positive evening activities. 

“ Yeah, we sure are, Sweetheart.” Jesse’s smile is dazzling, and any small annoyance Hanzo has felt melts away. Yes, he loves him despite the inconvenience of intrusive thoughts, because Jesse is more than his anxiety. “ Just one more thing… How’re you feelin’? What’s your thoughts? Any worries plaguin’ your mind?” 

Oh sweet, considerate Jesse. Hanzo shakes his head. He may have things to say in regards to this but he would much rather move on. It is so much easier that way. “ No, I am fine, let us move on from this.” Jesse’s eyebrow arches and it was clear he was too quick to dismiss his partner’s concern. Hanzo coughs. 

“ Do not give me that look, McCree. I am telling you I am fine. “ Hanzo reiterates softly. 

“ … I know I ain’t the only one with fears an’ troubles, Hanzo. I’m here to listen to ya too. Hate to have you not be able to speak ta me. Please, Hanzo, if there is anythin’?” Jesse is not trying to push, he can just read Hanzo, and knows that perhaps there are fears lingering in Hanzo’s mind. 

_The fear of losing you. The fear of you leaving me because I have done worse than you could imagine, Jesse. That this will all fall apart because I am not enough._ Hanzo clears his throat. He does not want to continue this conversation. He is not the one who seeks comfort, “ Of course I have fears, we all do in our line of work, with our relationships… but I think it best we change the subject to more pleasant things.” He knows it will not work, that in Jesse’s concern there was a certain amount of stubbornness. 

“... While that does seem fine and dandy, there’s not point in going to pleasantries if it’s just gon’ be unpleasant later. Hanzo, you can speak your mind. I won’t judge you for a thing, Darlin’.” Jesse has moved closer to Hanzo, a hand settling on the older man’s lower back in a gentle form of prodding comfort.

It should not be this hard. To make it end Hanzo just has to tell Jesse he’s scared to lose him, that he’s scared of the same things even if they don’t rise to the surface for the Archer as often. He has told Jesse is loves him often enough, why was this so much more difficult? 

_I didn’t come to seek any comfort. I comfort him. I can handle my feelings in solitude. I’m scared of losing y-_ Hanzo’s mouth feels dry and he swallows, “ Jesse, please… I would rather not delve…” He insists. There’s something constricting his chest. The barely idea of opening up, being the center of the comfort- 

“ Han… There’s no judgement here, you know that, not from me… Never from me…” The large palm runs soothingly up and down his spine, and yet Hanzo still feels uncomfortable, coiled and ready to flee. 

“ I know, McCree.” Hanzo says a little too harshly and squeezes his eyes shut. He doesn’t want to push him away. He just wants this to be done. 

“ … What could help you out here, honey? I wanna know what’s rockin’ around inside your head right now.” Jesse murmurs and Hanzo thinks.  
When he’s alone and this intrusive thoughts surround him - alone as he should be, able to process at his own pace and no one else’s - he finds comfort in things. A cup of tea, not to drink, only to hold and smell. To ground himself outside of the darkness of his bedroom and perhaps in the openness of kitchen, the mug in his hands steadying. 

“ Tea.” Hanzo says, swinging his metal legs over the edge of the bed until they clink against the floor. He can tell Jesse thinks he’s running, and perhaps it’s true. He needs something to ground himself. 

“ Alright, we can go make tea.” 

While he doesn’t mean to Hanzo walks to the kitchen a few steps in front of McCree with his back to him, unintentionally closing him out as he fills the kettle and places it on the stove. He continues the posture as he fills each tea infuser with leaves. Simple orange pekoe for Jesse, and a white green tea with floral notes that Hana has introduced him to for himself. The scent from the teal jar was an immediate comfort. Until he feels the hand at his back. 

While McCree’s very touch usually warms him to his very soul - a large comforting presence - it now blocks him, in between the stove and McCree’s body. Hanzo has been on guard for most of his life, always looking for exits and now he is barricaded by somethings that should not be restricting. He swallows, finishes his task.

“ Sofa.” Hanzo insists, handing Jesse’s cup to him and going that way, settling into the corner of the couch. Jesse sits himself as close as possible, wiggling his flesh arm around Hanzo’s waist, pressing their bodies together. 

Hanzo focuses his gaze on his mug, heat leaching into his hands and scent wafting pleasantly upward. The scene would be one of serenity if he still didn’t feel closed of. 

“ Now, Darlin’-” Jesse rubs his side and smiles encouragingly, “ How ‘bout we give talkin’ another go? Yeah?” He offers earnestly. He’s so kind Hanzo knows he does not deserve his next action but he cannot help it. 

“ Please- just… I need a little space, Jesse.” Hanzo’s voice is a near whisper, ashamed that he’d push his physically affectionate partner away. 

Jesse startles and it’s clear he’s about to slide himself to the complete opposite corner of the couch, “ Sorry, I didn’ mean- ” Hanzo stops him with a hand on his thigh when McCree is sitting next to him, just their sides brushing comfortingly but giving Hanzo his own room to move. 

“ Not so far.” Hanzo offers him a little smile and Jesse relaxes partially. 

“ Just wasn’ sure.” Jesse murmurs, his hands wit his mug in his lap. 

There’s a silence and for Hanzo, it gives him a reprieve for some blessed seconds. It  
also offers guilt as he imagines how Jesse is feeling inside, confused and hurt for the rejection. It is a complicated balance, giving yourself to a partner completely and keeping enough of yourself inside so you’re able to be comfortable. A slow, complicated balancing act that they’re still working on perfecting. They haven’t been at it long, but Hanzo is sure that in time there will be more understanding. He tilts his head down until it rests on Jesse’s shoulder. 

“ I am fine, Jesse. I hold no ill feelings toward you. However, I am unable to continue on this course of conversation for the evening. I apologize. I- I do not mean to force you away…” Hanzo whispers into the warmth of McCree’s shoulder, hoping he will understand. 

McCree is silent for a moment before letting out a breath and nodding. “ I didn’ mean to push you this hard. Didn’ realize…” He brings up his hand to stroke Hanzo’s hair and pauses, unsure. Hanzo pushes his head against it and Jesse eagerly strokes his hair. “ I just worry that you’re not telling me somethin’ and you’re hurtin’. That’s all, Hanzo. I know we’re different and we handle these sorts of things in our own ways… ‘m sorry, Pumpkin.” 

Hanzo presses his face further into the material of McCree’s shirt, a small smile on his lips,” Yes, we are quite different… that is not a bad thing, Jesse.” He pats at his chest and sits himself up straight, “ I promise, I am fine. We are fine. “ He presses a kiss to his lover’s cheek and suggests, “ Let’s return to bed.” 

“ What about the tea?” 

“ Bring it with us.” Hanzo says, leading McCree by the hand this time back to their bedroom. 

Sometimes it’s very hard opening up when you have never done it before. Even if your partner is supportive in all his wonderful, unique ways. Sometimes, Hanzo found, you just needed a moment of space. He still loved Jesse at the end of the day. No matter what.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Sorry in advance if they were OOC or their characterization felt off. Again, this was based heavily on an incident I recently experienced, which has been solved. I'm as happy and as in love as McCree and Hanzo. Thanks again everyone :) Also Hanzo's tea is David's Tea's "Buddha's Blend". It's my favourite comfort tea. While I don't particularly like the taste the scent is beautiful.


End file.
